How to Save the Universe in Ten Easy Steps Page 3

  ‘Your breakfast! Come on, we need to get moving this morning.’ I follow her gaze and see my untouched cereal on the kitchen bench. ‘Come on,’ she adds the milk and passes it to me, ‘eat up.’

  I shake my head as I go over to her. I sigh. ‘When is this thing going to end?’ I ask.

  ‘What thing?’ Mum asks, not understanding.

  ‘This … thing,’ I wave a hand at the window where we can see Molly, still circling her arms like a crazy person. ‘This whole thing.’

  ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ Mum goes back to her pond slime recipe.

  ‘Sure you don’t,’ I mutter, starting my cereal clean up. ‘Sure you don’t.’

  Apart from discovering my sister is Spidergirl and can spurt web out of her palms (that show must have some serious cash to spend), the rest of my day runs pretty smoothly. Dad comes back with all the stuff on his list, we do a bit more setting up and the party kicks off with a bang. Everyone loves the disgustingly named food and the ‘make your own mucus’ is a huge hit. Still, throughout the party, I kind of find myself keeping an eye out and hoping those cameras will appear soon, in the standard ‘big reveal’, and then all this weird stuff that’s been happening will be over. Molly almost had me believing her for a moment there – crazy. I guess it was because it was all so elaborate – I mean, there were even extras involved. And a goldfish died.

  I think.

  ‘Hey, great party,’ Ethan tells me through a huge mouthful of hot dog. He gives me a shove with his shoulder, then takes a big swig of pond slime. ‘The toilet-paper-throwing contest was supreme.’

  ‘You’re just saying that because you won.’

  ‘Yeah, probably. Twelve rolls of toilet paper – score! My mum is going to be happy with me tonight!’

  From our spot on the deck, I take a look around the party. Pretty much the whole school is here, which isn’t saying much – there are only twelve of us. Everyone seems to be having a great time. Well, everyone except for Molly, who is still waving her arms around at the side of the yard. So weird. I turn back to Ethan with a shake of my head. ‘So, how’s Goldie going? Has he mastered playing dead yet?’

  Ethan gives me a strange look. ‘What?’

  ‘Goldie,’ I say. ‘You know, he was “playing dead” yesterday. According to Molly,’ I snigger.

  Another strange look.

  ‘When we were at your house, remember?’

  ‘You weren’t at my house yesterday.’

  I laugh, it sounds kind of nervous even to me. ‘Seriously, Ethan. Try using both brain cells at once.’

  ‘Um, I am. All three even. But you weren’t at my house yesterday. Maybe you should lay off the pond slime.’ He inspects his cup. ‘It’s kind of got a kick to it.’

  I think about what he’s telling me for a moment, but then Mum distracts me, passing by with the kitty-litter cake. Ethan inspects it as she walks past us. ‘Awesome cake, Mrs B,’ he says. ‘You’ve totally outdone yourself this year!’

  ‘Well, thank you, Ethan. It does look rather …’ she struggles to find the right word.

  ‘Putrid?’ Ethan offers.

  ‘I think that covers it nicely.’ Mum continues on her way. ‘Come on, Cooper,’ she calls over her shoulder. ‘Follow me. It’s time to blow out the candles. Now, where’s Molly?’

  And that’s when I spot her. Or, them, to be more precise. Because there, in the corner of the yard, is Molly, with Jack beside her.

  And there, right in front of them both, are the Ecens.

  CHAPTER 9

  Just as I’m about to start down the steps towards Molly, she says, Don’t move. Don’t speak. Don’t do anything. I’ve masked you as best I can with the insulation. That’s what all that hand-waving was about. The hand-waving I’ve been getting no thanks for. But for now, like I said, do nothing. You can, however, talk to me all you like.

  My heart is going insane again. ‘What kind of trick is this?’ I say. I’m really starting to lose the plot now.

  I said not to speak! Molly snaps. Talk to me in your head. Like I’m doing to you.

  It’s only then that I understand Molly isn’t speaking out loud. Her voice – it’s inside my head.

  Oh, man. I really am going crazy.

  My heart is leaping in my chest, I’m breathless, but I clamp my lips together and watch Molly and the Ecens. Slowly, carefully, they make their way around the edge of the area Molly spent so much time hand-waving over this morning. They seem sort of … confused. Disoriented.

  They are, Molly answers the question I haven’t even asked. What I was doing this morning – it sort of muddles their ability to track you.

  I continue to watch them as they walk one way, then the other. Every so often they produce a kind of … device. They turn it this way and that like a compass, if compasses were clear and made of jelly and you could unfold them to a size greater than yourself. So, yeah, not really like a compass at all. Finally, they begin to argue – two little ringleted girls dressed in sailor suits and carrying daisies, arguing in my backyard.

  My brow creases as I check out their outfits. Really? Why would something that’s supposed to be an evolved life form wear something like that?

  I told you, Molly answers. They’re not very bright. They’ve done their research – within their limited means – and come up with a disguise that will look as unthreatening as possible.

  And that’s what they chose? I snort. One of them has some kind of … tail hanging out of her dress. I can’t think of anything more threatening than a little girl with blonde ringlets, a sailor suit, daisies and a tail.

  Like I said … not very bright.

  As the Ecens continue to argue, something occurs to me. Molly had said they were bounty hunters. Bounty hunters don’t actually care who you are, right? Bounty hunters just want money from someone who cares who you are, for some reason or another.

  Bingo, Molly answers me again.

  So … I begin to add two and two together, but Molly stops me short.

  You don’t want to know the answer to that, she says. Or how much they’re paying. She sounds quite serious about this, too.

  I realise something then. Just like that, I’ve stopped looking for cameras. Why? Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the conversation I’m having with Molly in my head. Maybe it’s the fact that those Ecens are seriously disturbing in their ringlets and sailor suits. Maybe it’s the fact that Molly has just turned around and, with one glance, made every single person at the entire party drop to the ground, like they’re asleep.

  Oh, man, I hope they’re asleep.

  I really hope they’re asleep.

  CHAPTER 10

  Of course they’re asleep! Molly’s voice says. What do you think I am? Some kind of assassin?

  I don’t know what to think anymore! I yell in my head.

  Calm down, or I’ll have to do the same to you, Molly says. Look, here’s the deal. Like I said, the Ecens are good trackers. But the bonus is they don’t share nicely. They won’t tell anyone else they’ve found you, not even other Ecens, until they’ve captured you. They operate in pairs, so it will only be these two. For now. But these two – well, they’ll keep coming back. I thought if we were on soil that they might lose their trace …

  I butt in now. What are you blathering on about? Soil? We were on ‘soil’ yesterday. At Ethan’s. They found us just fine then.

  Actually, we weren’t on soil. We were hovering above Teros. In our bubble. But whatever.

  And that’s when we really get going.

  Oh, silly me. I didn’t realise we were on another planet. In our bubble.

  Well, you weren’t to know.

  Yes, after all, I’m just some halfwit who comes from Morillius, right?

  Well, now that you mention it, you come from Earth. There is no Morillius. Morillius is something I made up. Just for you. To look like Earth.

  Earth? What’s Earth? Some other planet? Why would anyone want to lie about what planet I
come from? And what’s the point in it looking the same and you changing the name?

  Because it’s different. It’s similar, but different. Earth is where you were born, but we had to leave. And, someday, if I ever get to take you back to Earth, I want you to know the difference between here and there, that’s why!

  What?

  Look, forget about it! Right now we have bigger problems!

  Oh, and I noticed you didn’t contradict me when I said halfwit.

  No.

  So, when you were sent to protect me, was ‘rude’ on the actual job description, or did you just throw it in for free?

  It’s complimentary. Look, I know this is all a lot to take in. I’ll try to explain better later. After I’ve dealt with the Ecens. Or maybe I won’t, if someone else turns up unexpectedly to wring your little neck. Now, stop arguing with me, because I’ve got to get rid of these Ecens. Properly this time.

  I look at all the ‘sleeping’ bodies littered around the backyard and I gulp. Okay, so maybe this is a little more serious than I originally thought. I remember Molly’s comment from yesterday afternoon, ‘Xbox and certain death?’ What are you going to do? I ask her.

  What I have to do. And you’re going to do exactly as I tell you to, as well. So, on the count of three, I want you to hit the floor. Understand? Right. One, two …

  But I don’t need the countdown for some reason, because before Molly even begins, it’s like my body knows what to do and tells me to get down. Now. There’s that ticking noise in my head again that has me on the floor before Molly gets to ‘two’. It’s exactly like that feeling I had yesterday at Ethan’s, right before Molly did that booming thing. And I don’t care if any cameras finally emerge. If this is a prank it’s the most spectacular one anyone’s ever pulled off and Molly will totally deserve her moment of victory on screen.

  Just after she says, three, there’s another gigantic boom. Louder and stronger than the one yesterday. Whiter and brighter, too. It quite literally takes my breath away. Lying on the deck, my lungs don’t work for a moment or two. And when they do, they take a huge suck of breath that leads to a bout of coughing.

  Silence.

  Molly? I try.

  More silence.

  Molly?

  ‘You can get up now,’ she says finally, out loud, sounding as winded as I am. She coughs as well, then coughs again. ‘Ugh, this stupid body. Such a ridiculous thing to live inside. I mean, lungs, really …’

  I get up then, as fast as I can, which isn’t that fast because I’m shaky again, like yesterday. When I start down the steps into the yard, I realise everyone is standing up again. And, amazingly, they look fine, like nothing has happened. There’s Freya, from school, happily taking another hot dog from Dad. There’s Matt, another classmate, making his own mucus (well, throwing his own mucus at one of his friends). And there’s Ethan, standing next to Mum, by the cake, which is resting on a table.

  Or what’s left of the cake.

  Because the cake, it seems, has disintegrated in the blast. And now it is mostly plastered over Mum and Ethan. They are covered in kitty litter. The plastic scoop, smeared with – well, let’s call it chocolate icing – is wedged in my mum’s hair, and there are fragments spread around the backyard. Jack is licking them up, but looking kind of disgusted with himself – like he’d really rather not.

  I race towards Mum and Ethan.

  They’re both staring at the almost empty kitty-litter tray.

  ‘Awesome cake, Mrs B,’ Ethan says, looking at it. ‘You totally outdid yourself this year!’

  ‘Well, thank you, Ethan. It was rather …’ she struggles to find the right word.

  I look from one to the other in disbelief, as Molly pulls up beside me, her hair singed. ‘Putrid?’ I blurt out, using the exact word Ethan used before.

  ‘Yeah, that’s it!’ Ethan says, grinning at me, his face brown. ‘How’d you know I was going to say that?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I just did.’ And that’s when I get this weird sinking feeling and realise I’ve just landed myself in something bigger and smellier and far more dirty than a kitty-litter cake.

  CHAPTER 11

  Not surprisingly, I find myself rather quiet for the rest of the evening. It’s a tough call to try to digest boogers on a stick, strained eyeballs, brain-cell salad, pond slime and the fact that your sister truly is an alien.

  Oh, and that at some point you need to save the universe.

  Like, no pressure or anything.

  At dinner, as we all help ourselves to leftovers, Mum starts to notice that’s something up. ‘What’s wrong, Cooper?’ she asks, passing me the bowl of strained eyeballs. ‘You’ve been quiet all afternoon. Didn’t you enjoy the party?’

  ‘It was great, thanks,’ I tell her. ‘Explosive, even.’ I eye Molly across the table, but she ignores my pointed remark. On the floor under my chair, Jack licks one of my feet. ‘Ugh, Jack!’ I say. I turn my attention back to the table. ‘I guess I’m just tired. And not very hungry. Actually, I don’t really want dinner. Is it okay if I have a shower instead? I might go to bed early.’

  My dad looks concerned. Usually I’m begging to stay up, not asking to go to bed. He puts his half-eaten hot dog down (that’s how I can tell he’s really concerned). ‘Are you all right? You’re not getting sick or something?’ His brow creases as he inspects me carefully.

  ‘I don’t think so.’ I stand up, not quite meeting his eye.

  ‘Well, okay then. Maybe a shower will pick you up a bit. I’ll come and check on you later, just to make sure you’re not coming down with something.’

  I escape from the dining room, and Molly, as fast as I can and make a beeline for the bathroom. The thing is, I’m suddenly so sick of her watching me. It’s like her eyes never leave me. I had to get away from the table before I lost it. I notice that Jack follows me down the hall and stands guard outside the bathroom door, but I let it go. At least Jack doesn’t talk. And he doesn’t criticise me for touching the lucky crack. Which I do (again).

  I spend a long time in the shower. A really long time. When I’m done, I wait until the coast is clear and duck across the hallway to my room. I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I climb into bed and turn the light off. To be honest, I think I’m hoping I’ll wake up in the morning and this will all turn out to be a bad dream.

  So it’s kind of a pity I can’t sleep.

  I’m not sure how long I stare at the ceiling, replaying the weirdness of the last two days over and over in my mind. I’m seriously concerned about the fate of the Ecen species if they think a little blonde, ringleted girl with a tail is a good disguise. Then again, if I’m responsible for saving the universe, everyone’s fate is hanging by a thread.

  Someone knocks softly on my door.

  ‘Are you still awake?’ Molly. Can’t she tell? I think to myself.

  ‘It’s a courtesy.’ She opens the door and lets herself in, leaves the light off but opens the curtains, so that the three moons light the room. And then she comes over to the side of my bed and sort of hovers. Well, not really hovers (which I’m sure she can probably manage), just hangs about nervously. ‘I’m, um …’ she starts, then sits down on the edge of my bed. ‘Look, I’m sorry if I wrecked your birthday and everything.’

  I’m surprised. ‘You didn’t wreck my birthday.’

  After some time she nods her head slightly. ‘True. I guess dying would have been worse.’

  ‘Yes, dying on your birthday is a lot worse than having your cake blown up.’ I have to agree with her.

  Molly sighs. ‘You know what I mean. And I’m sorry I called you a halfwit. Well, not that I did, but I didn’t contradict you when you said you were a halfwit. Anyway, you’re not. A halfwit, that is.’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ I say. But then my eyes widen. I push myself up on my elbows. ‘Wait. You looked like you really meant that.’

  ‘I did.’ Molly answers.

  We stare at each
other.

  ‘I did.’

  I stare at Molly doubtfully, until both of us laugh.

  ‘I almost wish I had a camera.’ The voice sounds as if it came from under the bed, then there’s a chuckle.

  I look down at my dog. His mouth is moving up and down and words are coming out of it.

  ‘Yes, it’s true. And, yes, I’ve always been able to speak. It’s just that Madam here didn’t want you freaking out. Anyway, now we’re chatting, can I ask you to quit with the stick-throwing and ball-chasing? I mean, I have my limits. And a bit of steak off the barbecue wouldn’t go astray every now and again, either. I am so over that tinned food.’

  ‘You’re a dog—’

  Jack looks over at Molly for a second. ‘I see what you mean about the freaking out. The thing is,’ he turns back to me, ‘I had to be a dog. It’s obvious, isn’t it? I can follow you just about anywhere – the toilet, the shower – whenever Molly’s feeling a bit security-conscious. I know I was just the replacement, but I think it’s worked out better than—’

  ‘Jack!’ Molly says sharply.

  ‘What?’ Jack says. ‘It’s true, don’t you think?’

  But Molly doesn’t answer. As for me, I’m not capable of answering. Or thinking. Or anything much, really.

  There’s a long silence after this, in which I flop back onto my pillow and stare at the ceiling again. I think it’s at this point that I truly surrender.

  ‘So, what happens now?’ I whisper. ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘Do?’ Molly says.

  ‘Yes, you know, to get me ready to save the universe. Preparations. Like working out. Getting really fit. I could join the cross-country team at school or something. Go early with Dad to open the pool. Get some laps in.’

  Molly snorts. ‘If you joined the cross-country team you’d be dead in fifteen minutes and we’d have lost our only chance to save the universe.’

  ‘Thanks for your faith in my fitness.’ Still, I don’t deny it. I run to the fridge more often than I run cross-country. ‘So, what? Do we just leave it to fate? It doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll save the universe anyway?’